I'm blessed to see 30, and what's for me this season!
Now that the big celebration is over!! I can finally say " thank God I'm 30! " Girlfriend!!!!; I can honestly say my twenty-something's, were HELL! From physical abusive relationships, walks with death, mentally draining sexual soul ties, an eye-opening ended marriage, and lastly an exhausting up and down health journey.
“I truly can say from the depths of my soul! I know it's a reason I'm still here!
I am going to be as TRANSPARENT as possible sis so, ride with me on this journey.
My biggest blessing came to me at the age of 20! My daughter was born in 2009. I am here to tell you; I was on a toxic ride. Mentally abused and fighting physically with an individual that was not balanced for me! Through that unbalance I gained the best thing in my life and she saved my life, my daughter.
With this change, I was still in love with a toxic soul tie. I was young and did not realize that sex, well, let me be clear (good toxic dick) can take you under when you do not know yourself and your worth. I knew he was not ready for what I wanted but, my ass was willing to wait! I always would find myself arguing with the other chicks; when deep down shit; I was the other chick too! He had women in the states and other countries " Tragic as it seems " it took me a long time to cut him off it has been tough! But I did it! I am so freaking proud damnit! I wish him the best, period!
I finally came to realize I lost the one I was supposed to be with! Yes, I let the good one get away! You hear most MEN say that, BUT... I had a good one! He wanted to take his time and just appreciate me! He loved me for my flaws and all! He was patient. At the time what I wanted was not what I needed! The sexual crave for someone else took me under and I lost someone that should have been my husband! He is married now. I do not regret it; everything is a learning experience. I just wish I knew myself more as I do now. Yes, I will admit it! BUT
Wait now, there is more!! By me being so strong, hardworking and aggressive. I honestly did not believe I could ever see the light of marriage. I have been told for years that, you are too strong, you will never be able to be soft, you cannot show vulnerability, or the famous line; you have an old soul you are more mature than me!
Men have a way with words don't they!!?? Sad to say I got married to a man that said all those things to me soon as the party was over! Our honeymoon stage ended June 2017 we got married April 2017. The consistency dropped like a rocket. All I ever want to do was love, support, provide, and perform! I could not do it! I wasn't allowed to until, all hell broke loose, and we lost it all! That's when he needed me, and like a fool I stayed until I believed he was ready to get back on his feet. I then started to see that even still we were truly not compatible. We had many years of history but nothing big enough told hold a marriage together. Marriage is a union, a business, an unconditional factor built on faith, love, and honesty! I was lied to about a lot of things. Whether if it was finances, sexual behavior, and even image! My ex- husband would tell people I was 32 when I was only 29. Like WTF, child... I just cannot. Even though there isn't bad blood with us and he's raised my daughter as his own.
I still ride with him. He was always a friend first. That's what it should've been. We married wrong and I see that now.
The vision I had for myself was simple; go to school, be successful, and win. I had a child that gave me life to start over. I left the person that I thought I loved but only loved the sex. I lost the one I should have been with; my marriage was nothing like I had plans for! I wanted to become a power couple with someone and win! I wanted to own a business and generate a partnership! I wanted my daughter to see what generation curses that are broken truly looks like. I wanted to have a son! I should have two degrees by now. I should have balance and composure. I should have a man that protects, provides, and perform!
I am 30 and I have a smart-talented beautiful daughter! A bomb business on my own that I started with only 700 dollars. I'm finishing school if it's the last breath within me, I work for the government and I'm no longer hustling; I haven't danced in 5 years, I loved and lost ( but I still believe in love ) I'm traveling my ass off( I'm good for a good passport stamp) I'm still strong but I'm ready to show my soft side, I'm ready to take on my health journey for good this time, and I'm blessed that life didn't take me out because with abuse, suicide, and dating guys that were in the fast life with drugs; I placed my life in a lot of danger! I am still here. Someone has a bigger vision for me!! For that I am forever grateful!
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